Taylor-LeighFor the past two years, being a caregiver for my grandmother has become the majority of my life. Through the ups and downs, I’ve been learning how to balance out my life to make caregiving sustainable and even enjoyable. Thus, this website was born.
A dilemma amongst young caregivers
I found a Facebook group specifically for young family caregivers, which is not a common population to be caregiving. I have found solace in reading about other people’s journeys, the majority of them sadly filled with frustration and burnout. A common topic I see discussed, is trying to navigate being a caregiver while maintaining a romantic relationship.
Up until recently, the most common population of caregivers were those who were established in their careers, even towards the age of retirement. Thus, they were solid in their relationships, or at least have experienced many years of life. Being a young caregiver means we are typically at the beginning of our careers and relationships.
At first, I was relieved to know I was not alone in wondering when I would be able to live with my partner, wondering if I would be able to give care while pregnant, and wondering how to plan time alone with my partner while still attending to my duties. I was relieved to know that other people are also mourning the absence of having a “normal” life with a “normal” relationship.
Something had to change
But I knew that living in the place of jealousy and discontent was not for me. I had to accept my situation and make the appropriate changes so that I can learn to enjoy my one, precious life. After all, conforming to society’s standards has never been for me. It was time to embrace this non-normal life I was creating, understanding that it was unique to me and my family situation.
The most important coping mechanism I have learned to create for myself is a simple one: my mindset. It is easy to think that life is happening to us. But knowing that we are in control of our thoughts and actions allows us to take control over our lives. We don’t have to be at the constant liberty of our loved one whom we are caring for. (That’s another topic for another day though).
It’s empowering to know that every situation has both positive and negative aspects. Challenges and rewards. Darkness and light. However else you want to word it. Don’t stay in the dark. Acknowledge the challenges and then choose to focus on the positive.
The main aspects of navigating a romantic relationship while being a caregiver that are unique to my partner and I:
Two households
My partner & I both have people to care for separately.
Cons: Between his kids and my grandma, we don’t get much alone time together.
Pros: We are both caregivers and get to see how each other cares for their loved ones. It makes our alone time together even more valuable. We also get to have our time apart to recharge and come back together even stronger. He gets his time with his kids, and I get mine with my grandma.
More planning involved
As someone who used to fly by the seat of her pants, never again will I take for granted my independence when I have it!
Cons: We are rarely able to do things on a whim.
Pros: Planning in advance can allow for special occasions that are more thought-out.
Unpredictability
My partner’s kids go back and forth between their two parents’ households, one of which is out of our control. That, + caring for a relative post-stroke with dementia in another household = a recipe for unpredictability.
Cons: Things don’t always go to plan.
Pros: Allows for greater resiliency. Keeps us on our toes!
Unknown future
Cons: Caregivers often don’t know when they will be done with their season of caregiving for a loved one, and the end is always hard no matter which way it goes. This makes it difficult to imagine what the future looks like and to hold out for hope.
Pros: Having an unknown future allows for more possibility!
Unconditional love and support
On these caregiver forums, I often see people worried that their partner is going to leave them because their duties are so overwhelming. While I feel for these people, I know that my partner and I have built a solid foundation of unconditional love and support through the hard times. Communication and holding space for each other are the best things we can do. I encourage people in those situations to find a common ground for their relationship, and to really look within to see if they are truly right for each other, especially through trying times.
The turtle wins the race
…or something like that. The point is that my partner and I are slowly becoming a family. While sometimes we may want to snap our fingers and be a happy family right away, we know that we set out to consciously blend our families. Our situation gives us time to come together slowly and intentionally, for the kids’ sake and everyone else’s.
By implementing small shifts in our mindset, establishing clear communication, and creating boundaries and routines that work for us, we are navigating our romantic relationship while also being separate caregivers.
Perfection is never the goal. Instead, we focus on the present moment whether together or apart.
We focus on the positives.
We support each other or ask for support where we need it.
We stop comparing & understand that our situation is unique to us.
We know that this time won’t last forever.
And we do this by taking it one step at a time.
